Return to Oz Review
Bob: Hey, guys, and welcome back to Oz Month. You know... I've been punishing myself with some really bad movies these last couple of weeks, so I feel the need to treat myself to something really special. That's why today we're going to watch "Return to Oz". The titular film, which is surprisingly the 1964 animated version rather than the well-known 1985 live-action version, begins playing as we see a paper airplane sail down from the sky towards Kansas. Bob: *voiceover* OK, "Return to Oz", here we go! I love this movie and- *confused* Hey, what the hell is this? I-I wanted "Return to Oz". What's this cartoon doing he- Oh, wait, this is the 1964 version, not the kickass 1985 version. Bob: Damn it, Netflix, you gave me the wrong movie again! This is why people are leaving you in droves! *voiceover, sighs* OK, we got our lazily-animated Dorothy, reading a piece of mail via paper plane that's from her friends in Oz. Good thing it just happened to drift into her bedroom instead of... you know, anywhere else on the entire planet. The letter talks about how her friends are faring since she's left. The scarecrow, the lion, the tin man, and... the wizard? What's he still doing in Oz? Didn't he go back to Kansas at the end of the last movie? Cut to a scene from "Atop the Fourth Wall" featuring Linkara sitting on the bed with his arms crossed and looking rather sour, with Phelan Porteous A.K.A. Phelous leaning into the shot and giving two thumbs up. Phelous: *sarcastic* Great continuity! Bob: *voiceover* The letter reminds her to keep her silver slippers nice and shined. Silver slippers... OK, so this movie's gonna be based more on the books than the MGM movie. Interesting. She sings a little song about how she wants to go back to Oz, and the paper plane starts up another tornado to take her there. Dorothy (Susan Conway): Toto, it's a Kansas twister! Another one! Aunt Em, Uncle Henry! Hang on, Toto! Hang on to the apple tree! Oh, Toto, here we go! Bob: *voiceover* Yeah, because tornadoes aren't anything you wanna take shelter from, are they? *in falsetto* Oh, no, it's a tornado, here we go... Chorus: *singing as the opening titles appear* Here is where you can live without a care, you'll be floating on the air... Bob: *voiceover* So after we see the opening credits go by, along with some familiar names (Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass), Dorothy and Toto land in Munchkinland. But I guess drawing little people was too much of a hassle to these animators, so instead we have a society of Droppy the Water Droplets. Dorothy: *overlapping the munchkin mayor's rapidly sped-up talking* The mayor says, he welcomes us back... and he'd like to present us with the... the key to the city! It's chocolate! Cut to a scene from the Simpsons where Homer Simpson receives the key to Springfield in front of City Hall. Homer Simpson: Well, why was it wrapped in foil? Mayor Quimby: It was never wrapped in foil. Then, the munchkins start singing another song. Munchkins: *singing* We're munchkins naturally, we're munchkins naturally... Bob: *voiceover* Good god, a third song in only seven minutes? I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't entirely pointless. And they're singing, "We're munchkins naturally"? It sounds like a pathetic attempt to distract the audience from the fact that they look nothing like munchkins. Suddenly, Black Lantern Dave, who is wearing a tiger-themed Winter hat with mittens hanging down from the side (supposedly imitating the Cowardly Lion, complete with an impersonation of Bert Lahr), runs into the room. '' '''Cowardly Lantern:' Oh, no! Don't do that! Bob: Don't do what? Cowardly Lantern: You can't talk bad about this movie. I was just on IMDB, and it only has a .2 star rating lower than the "Return to Oz" movie you like so much. Bob: Seriously? Cowardly Lantern: If you talk bad about this movie... you're gonna get negative comments. Bob: Well... maybe it's kind of a possibility that internet viewers often deal with. Everyone has an opinion and this is just me giving mine. Cowardly Lantern: But, you wouldn't be degraded if you had negative comments on your video? I would! Bob: Look, I'll tell you what: why don't we both look at this movie together, and then you'll see it's not so bad. Cowardly Lantern: Oh, I don't know. I couldn't do that, I'm a-scared of this movie! Bob: Oh, calm down, calm down. We're gonna watch this movie, we're gonna break it down, we're gonna riff on it as we go, and then you'll see it's not so scary. OK? Cowardly Lantern: ...OK. *sniffles* I can do this. Bob: Good man. Cowardly Lantern: Lion. Bob: ...You're a lion? You look like a tiger. Cowardly Lantern: No-no-no, shh! Bob: *voiceover* Anyway, Glinda, the good witch, shows up to tell Dorothy that the Wicked Witch of the West is back to terrorize her friends. Cowardly Lantern: The witch is back? How'd she do that, how'd she do that? Bob: Tchh, get this. Glinda (Peggi Loder): '''*off-screen* After you melted her and left Oz, all she had to do was wait for Winter to come. And the cold merely froze her up solid into a witch again. '''Bob: *voiceover* Yeah, apparently the Wicked Witch of the West is made out of Christmas snow ala "Frosty the Snowman". Glinda: '''*off-screen* Her evil powers were ruined by the melting. '''Dorothy: *off-screen* A witch isn't a witch without witchin'. Glinda: *off-screen* That, my dear, is why she wants your magic slippers. That's why she brought you back. Dorothy: *off-screen*''She'' brought me back? Glinda: *off-screen* Yes. She forged that letter from Socrates (the scarecrow), and it was that letter that caused the tornado that brought you here. She then journeyed to her cousin, the Wretched Witch of the Wastelands, and borrowed some temporary magic. Bob: *voiceover* With only so much power available to her, the witch tricks the tin man into falling in to the river and- whoa! The tin man's (who's name is Rusty in this movie) heart starts melting after falling into the water, and it looks quite disturbingly like blood leaking out of his chest. Cowardly Lantern: *voiceover* Ahh, blood! I hate blood! Bob: *voiceover* Wow, that was... surprisingly graphic. Uhh, yeah, so the tin man is disposed of. Then the witch destroys the scarecrow's diploma and- wait, what? Diploma? Bob: Dorothy's silver slippers suggest that this movie is based more on the books than the MGM movie, and the diploma was purely an invention of the MGM movie, where in the book, the scarecrow had bran and needles put into his head, as if they were actual brains. What continuity are we following here? Cowardly Lantern: And the tin man didn't even have a heart, either. Where did that even come from? Bob: *shrugs, voiceover* And the witch just lights the diploma on fire? Why doesn't she just light the scarecrow on fire? And as for the lion, the witch turns his movie-universe medal into a daisy. So... what's stopping her from turning the lion ''into a daisy? But yeah, the lion's a coward again, and Dorothy vows to help her friends before seeking protection from the wizard. '''Dorothy:' I've just got to help them before I go to the wizard! Glinda: Make sure you don't lose your magic slippers. They're your only protection. Dorothy: And will they protect Dandy (the lion), Soc, and Rusty, too? Glinda: My time is short, but... I tell you this regretfully, the slippers protect you alone. The heartless, brainless, and cowardly, they'll turn to solid stone. Dorothy: That wicked, old witch will never get these slippers, I promise on my honor as a brownie! Bob: *voiceover* Wow, that's impressive, considering how this story is taking place roughly twelve years before the Girl Scouts were ever created. Dorothy: But how do I start? Which way do I go? Toto (Stan Francis): *barking* Dorothy: Toto, that's right! The yellow brick road goes everywhere in Oz. I'll just get on that and keep walking. Cowardly Lantern: *voiceover* Am I allowed to be afraid of Toto's three tails? Bob: *voiceover* Yeah, I'll give you that. That's kind of creepy. They walk through this dark, spooky forest where absolutely nothing happens... Oh, except for the Wicked Witch singing about how wicked she is, but other than that, nothing happens. They bump into the tin man and oil him up and, shock of all shocks, he has a song to sing! Cowardly Lantern: *voiceover* Five songs? *starts crying* Rusty (Larry D. Mann): *singing* Oh, can't you see the trouble I'm in? I have no heart in this body of tin When I see a sign that is pure delight I would love to love it, but I'm above it 'cause I'm heartless through and through Bob: *voiceover* After they decide to get the tin man a new heart, they immediately bump into the scarecrow. Can you guess what happens next? Cowardly Lantern: Does he sing another song? Bob: Yep. Cowardly Lantern: *cries again* Socrates (Alfie Scopp): *singing* Oh, you can't buy a brain like you can potatoes, or tomatoes, it can't be found oh, you can't buy a brain in your neighborhood grocery no, no, no siree, it can't be found You gotta have one when you're born or else you'll go through life, forlorn you'll be like me, most assuredly, a silly-willy-nilly-billy guy Bob: *voiceover* By the way, does anyone else think that this scarecrow here looks like that terrible Strong Bad costume? A picture of someone dressed as Strong Bad from the "Homestar Runner" web series with an extremely sloppy Strong Bad mask and indistinct hands/feet is shown to the right of Socrates. Cowardly Lantern: '''*voiceover* Oh. Looks less scary, somehow. '''Bob: *voiceover* And, seconds later, they just happen to bump into the Cowardly Lion. Cowardly Lantern: *voiceover* Who sings? Bob: *voiceover* Actually, no. The scarecrow and the tin man sing to make fun of him. Cowardly Lantern *sarcastic* Oh, that's nice. Socrates and Rusty: *singing* He's a dan-dan-dandy lion dandy lion, dandy lion he's a dan-dan-dandy lion if it's just that he's somewhat shy! Dorothy: Maybe the wizard will give you real courage this time. Dandy (Carl Banas): '''You... You're going to see the wizard again? Gee! I'm with you fellas, a hundred percent, all the way! True blue! All for one, and one for all! Excelsior! '''Rusty: Oh, be quiet and let's go! Socrates: Right! *beat* One thing, though, I forgot. Where are we going? Dorothy: To see the wonderful wizard of Oz in the Emerald City. Rusty: Look, everybody, look! The Emerald City is right up ahead! Bob: *voiceover* Wow, they sure got there fast! Cowardly Lantern: I remember Oz having a lot more scary things in it. Bob: *voiceover* But the witch makes it to the wizard first, and changes herself into a... um... hottie, I guess, and she tricks him into hypnotizing himself. Wizard of Oz (also Carl Banas): *to himself* You're getting sleepy, very sleepy. You can hardly keep your eyes open-open. Bob: '''*voiceover* Oh, yeah. He also has this weird nervous tic where he repeats the last word of every sentence-sentence. '''Wizard of Oz: They don't make busybodies like that anymore-nymore! *in a later scene* Nobody's allowed in that room-that room, there's a crazy man there, sitting at a desk, talking into a microphone-microphone! *present* Now what can I do for you-for you, my dear? Bob: Is... that supposed to be funny-funny, because I don't get it-get it. Cowardly Lantern: It just sounds stupid-stupid. Bob: *voiceover* After singing another '''song about how wicked she is, the witch poses as the Wizard just as Dorothy and her friends show up. They ask the wizard for the things that... you know, the last movie established they already had in the first place, but the witch says she'll give them what they want if Dorothy and her friends give her the silver slippers. '''Dorothy: No! Rusty: What do you mean, no? He'll give us everything we want for an old pair of shoes! Socrates: I'll get you new shoes. Dandy: I'll even get you skis! Dorothy: No! Rusty: Why? Dorothy: These are magic slippers, and I promised I'd never part with them until the Wicked Witch of the West is captured and destroyed for good! Bob: '*voiceover* ''No, you only said you'd help your friends first. Now, give your shoes to the wizard, so you can continue helping them. You're already in the protective care of the wizard, as far as you know, that is, so why not give your shoes up? You don't need them! So the witch tells them to go out and capture the witch, that way, Dorothy can give the shoes to the wizard, who is actually... the witch. '''Cowardly Lantern: *voiceover* Wait, what? Bob: *voiceover* The witch dashes off to her castle to wait for them, and of course sings another song, '''this time in a pissing contest with the wizard. '''Wicked Witch (also Larry D. Mann): *singing* I am, I am, I am better than you are by all the other witches, I'm admired Wizard of Oz: *singing* I am, I am, I am better than you are from head to toe, in magic, I'm attired Wicked Witch: *singing* I am, I am, I am smarter than you are my crafty cousins taught me quite a lot Bob: *singing flatly* This is, this is, this is totally pointless... Cowardly Lantern: At least it's not scary-scary. Bob: *voiceover* And I have to ask: the witch has the wizard tied up and completely at her mercy. Why doesn't she just kill him? Ugh, anyway, she sends her flying alligators out to get Dorothy and her friends. What, don't you remember her flying alligators from the book? MGM spent millions trying to bring these creatures to life in their movie! But they hide in Scarecrow's straw, which... is actually from the books, so... give the movie a point for accuracy? Rusty: That was real quick thinkin'. Dandy: Astounding, unbelievable. Cowardly Lantern: '''*voiceover* Amazing, even. '''Bob: *voiceover* So then the witch rips off Disney's "Fantasia" by summoning the freaking Greek gods 'to her bidding! Damn, witch got connections! But this is all really pointless since the god of lightning runs out of lightning bolts, somehow, but the tin man gets hit by one of them and is apparently dead. ''Rusty gets in the way of the lightning bolt, causing him to fall down and black out. '''Bob: *voiceover* Dorothy sings a quick song about how magic is everywhere, and this causes a moonbeam to appear in the daytime to bring the tin man back to life. Bob: And the moonbeam, somehow, doesn't give the tin man the ability to talk to dolphins. Cowardly Lantern':' No, don't bring up that movie. "Tentacolino" scares me, too! *cries once more* Bob: *voiceover* They make it to the castle, and just as the witch is about to do them in... '''she loses her temporary powers. '''Wicked Witch: My time's run out! Her wand turns into a flower, which then disintegrates and frees the wizard from his chains. Dorothy: Oh, wizard, you saved us! Your powers are greater than the witch's! Wizard of Oz: Yes! *chuckles* Yes. Cowardly Lantern: *voiceover* Wait, didn't Glinda tell Dorothy the witch's powers only last for a short time? Bob: *voiceover* Yeah, Dorothy's an idiot. What do you want from me? The witch grabs her and demands that she be given the shoes. The lion gives the shoes, despite Dorothy's warning that he'll turn to stone, yet he doesn't ''turn to stone as he gives them to the witch. And the witch turns to stone instead. '''Cowardly Lantern:' Wait, what? Cut to a brief clip from "Robot Chicken". M. Night Shyamalan: What a twist! Roger Ebert: *sarcastic* Yeah, what a twist. Bob: *voiceover* They go back to the Emerald City, where they're cheered by absolutely no one. Dorothy: Wow, what a welcome! Wizard of Oz: The great Oz has heard your request! You say you want a heart, and you want a brain, and you want some courage? Tell you what I'm gonna do! *record skips* Gonna do! It turns out to be a recording played over a gramophone, while the actual wizard sneaks out with a couple of suitcases. Bob: *voiceover* Wait a minute, the record's not skipping. He's actually just saying "gonna do" over and over. Dorothy: But you can't just run off now! You promised us magic! Bob and Cowardly Lantern: *shouting* He doesn't have any magic, you moron! Bob: *voiceover* By the way, remember that important plot point of how Dorothy's friends would turn to stone if they touched the slippers? Well, Glinda conveniently shows up to fill us in on why that didn't happen. Glinda: *to Rusty* When you sacrificed yourself to the lightning bolt because of the love you felt for your friends, from that moment on, you had a heart! *to Socrates* And quick thinking you showed to save your friends from the flying alligators proves you have a brain. *to Dandy* When you overcame your fears and cowardice and took the silver slippers, even though you thought you'd turn to stone, you showed true courage. So, you see why you weren't turned to stone and the witch was? The witch was heartless, as anyone is who is cruel, cowardly, as anyone is who must use slaves and suppress others, and brainless, as anyone is who thinks evil can conquer good. Cowardly Lantern: '''voiceover* So, wait. The whole point of the movie was so they could learn the same moral that they learned from the last story? '''Bob: *voiceover* Yep, this whole movie's been a waste of everybody's time. But, yeah. Message received, time to wrap this up and send Dorothy and Toto back to Kansas. Dorothy: *singing* Kansas can't continue without me I gotta go back, I gotta go back, I gotta go back... Bob: Yeah, you're an only child, who has no friends, lives on a desolate farm where you couldn't be bothered to do any ''farm work. I'm sure that all of Kansas has collapsed in the forty minutes you've been gone. So Dorothy wishes on a little Kansas magic, summons a tornado, because I guess she can do that now, and the end credits are so eager to get the movie over with, that they squeeze their way in before Dorothy even makes it back home. '''Dorothy:' Oh, aunt Em, uncle Henry! I'm home! I'm home again! Bob: '''So, that was "Return to Oz", and I'm not afraid of saying this movie was '''awful. Cowardly Lantern: Of course it was, the animation was sloppy, the script was rushed, and they just rehashed the morals from the first movie. Wait... did I just give this movie a bad review? *cries once again* Bob: My friend, you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You think that just because a lot of people have a good opinion on a movie that you shouldn't be allowed to say your bad opinion about it. Where I come from, we have critics, and it's not easy for them to just sit in front of a camera and just give their bad opinions about it, but they complain about anything and everything that they want, and they have no more courage than you have. But, they have one thing you haven't got: public approval. He gives Dave a badge that resembles the Facebook "Like" symbol. Bob: So therefore, in consideration for you conquering your fears and getting through this snorefest of a movie, and giving your bad opinion to an internet audience of potentially millions of viewers, I award you with this thumbs-up. You now belong to the legion of Liked. *salutes* Cowardly Lantern: Oh shucks, folks, I'm speechless. Now I feel like I'm the king of the forest. Bob: You're not gonna sing, are you? Cowardly Lantern: Well, no. Bob: Oh, thank god. We've had too much of that already. See you next time, guys. An instrumental of "We're Off to See the Wizard" plays as Bob signs off in his usual manner and Dave waves to the camera. Finally, we cut to a picture of the four main characters from the Wizard of Oz film, accompanied by green text that reads, "See you next time in Oz Month!" Category:Transcripts Category:Mixed Bags Category:Weakly Animated Classics